Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property