Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Human are so complicated
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.