Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I support this random dude and all his protests
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.