teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands