Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
secret recipe
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
There’s always that one guy
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH