Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.