Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
crochet youtube is brutal
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
This is a bad sign
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls