Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.