*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You Might Also Like
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*