Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Mission: Impossible
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Basically.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy