[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
estão todos miauvindo?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Pot warmers of the day.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too