[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
gentlemen, hear me out
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
man: wait
time: no
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.