[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
What about second breakfast?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]