Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
my astrological sign is a french fry
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.