Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Can’t stop laughing
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??