Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
R.I.P.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”