[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You Might Also Like
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.