Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.