Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.