team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…