Teamwork makes the dream work.
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES