Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

@dshack8

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@TwiceTheHops

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@TheCatWhisprer

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

@bestnewuser

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.