@simoncholland

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

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@notmythirdrodeo

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

@WendyMolyneux

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

@robdelaney

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

@Fickle_Filly

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.