I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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I don’t think my car can fly
All generalizations are stupid.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
He who must not be selfied.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things