@AndyJokedAgain

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

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@pleatedjeans

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@TheAlexNevil

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

@IGN

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

@JustBeingEmma

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

@AndyAsAdjective

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things