Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
man i love columbo
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore