Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”