Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”


Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it


Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.


Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.


Rey: Look. I still have two hands.


NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.


On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.


Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this