Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all


I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.


[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand


If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”


oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums