@Talk_To_The_Hat
@fillthevacuum The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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@fillthevacuum 
@sixfootcandy Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
@AndyRichter Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
@STRIKINGxVIKING It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
@Daveastated Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
@VeryLonelyLuke Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
@castawaykristen NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
@notsoevilrick “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
@LizHackett On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
@Ygrene Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this