@Talk_To_The_Hat
@Proxic0n Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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@Proxic0n 
@bornmiserable [me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
@Shariv67 I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
@david8hughes [1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
@Home_Halfway I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
@yoyoha White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
@dusty_bun6o4 “you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
@55Carburetor If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
@ZachWeiner “How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
@EJGomez oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums