Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sing it!
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.