
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums