@NikiWithIssues I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
@living_marble Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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@NikiWithIssues 
@Tmoney68 [Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
@slimmy_shady “To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
@TheBoydP “Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
@NoLuckWanted The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
@VerbsRProudest If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
@CulturedRuffian Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
@Jennifergr8 Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
@sofarrsogud *pronounces patio like ratio
@Carbosly Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.