Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”


[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.


“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.


“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees


If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.


Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.


Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.