@squirrel74wkgn I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
@living_marble Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You Might Also Like
@squirrel74wkgn 
@barryjohnharper *Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
@XplodingUnicorn The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
@Breadery Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
@maebemarbles “I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
@Henry_3000 Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
@BraandoCommando Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
@GABBYdaAngSaya Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
@AmericanGent69 {emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
@Smooheed Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
