Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.