@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

@XplodingUnicorn

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

@maebemarbles

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

@Henry_3000

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@Smooheed

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out