@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

You Might Also Like

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@Tmoney68

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

@slimmy_shady

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@VerbsRProudest

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

@CulturedRuffian

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.