Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.