technically true but not a great slogan
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please