technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door