technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.