technique
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
