Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
These work great until they don’t.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
The opposite of goth is stopth.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas