Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The human personality is made of five key elements
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”