Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
You Might Also Like
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.