Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Finally, an explanation.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope