Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
You Might Also Like
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
(yawn)
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Think I pulled my liver
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?