Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.