TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Donkey Kong sommelier
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”