@mcdadstuff

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@StinkyGr33n

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

@BeTheCookie

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

@Alex_N_Chains

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy