Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa