Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

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*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight


Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.


If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”


[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”


GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news


JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”


I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.


Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10


“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy