teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
You Might Also Like
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.