@GrantTanaka

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

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@WilliamAder

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@TanukisRevenge

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

@_elvishpresley_

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

@stewiecoffee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@Ivsy01

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.