@GrantTanaka
@WilliamAder Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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@WilliamAder 
@lurkingwhorror TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
@cwhudson [Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
@TheHyyyype CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
@TanukisRevenge It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
@_elvishpresley_ ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
@stewiecoffee My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
@DurtMcHurtt [trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
@GirrlGenius A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
@Ivsy01 (Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.