Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.