Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins