Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir