Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
SCARY COSTUME
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
this is me
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
#merica
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*limbos under the caution tape
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.