teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!