teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Friday
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.