Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.