*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
yeah 😭
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
😂💯
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.