Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
#polloftheday
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.