Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.